


even as flowers wither

by maizonos



Series: BBB Fest (December 2019 - March 2020) [1]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Body Image, Canon Compliant, Caring, Crushes, Dirty Thoughts, Domestic, Dreams vs. Reality, F/F, Horniness, Mild Hurt/Comfort, No Sex, No Smut, Platonic Cuddling, Secret Crush, Sharing a Bed, Showers, Sleeptalking, Understanding, Yoo Jeongyeon-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:20:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21986563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maizonos/pseuds/maizonos
Summary: It's a vivid daydream, one that Jeongyeon has whenever she's alone with not much to do, which is not often, or whenever she sees Nayeon undressed, which is...pretty often.In between struggles with how she views Nayeon, Jeongyeon is faced with other body image troubles.
Relationships: Im Nayeon/Yoo Jeongyeon
Series: BBB Fest (December 2019 - March 2020) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582750
Kudos: 73
Collections: BBBFest Debut Round: The Bittersweet Option





	even as flowers wither

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for the BBB Fest and it's also my first time writing for Twice!
> 
> For the most part, this is canon compliant except for the fact that Jeongyeon hasn't been hiding much of her skin and so there wasn't any real criticism, as far as I know, so if this seems somewhat unrealistic, then I kind of agree.
> 
> The title was taken from HyunA's song Flower Shower! Hope you enjoy!

Jeongyeon has a preference for taking her showers with zero disruptions, but that's not to say she doesn’t like it whenever Nayeon barges in without warning. At times, Nayeon’s presence in the shower stall is what keeps Jeongyeon grounded. It’s a reminder that Jeongyeon is still facing reality. Jeongyeon would be taking her shower when Nayeon would slip in unannounced, already stark naked, and then she would start taking a shower too. Jeongyeon’s quite sure the other members don’t do this kind of thing. But what she doesn’t know is if Nayeon joins anyone else when they’re taking showers or if she’ll only do it when Jeongyeon’s the one in there. Either way, Jeongyeon’s eyes have full access to Nayeon’s body whenever this happens.

Sometimes, Jeongyeon is just envious of Nayeon’s curvy body and pretty skin. Nayeon is gorgeous, so it’s a treat whenever Jeongyeon gets to see her body with not a single layer of clothes in between. It’s undeniable that Nayeon is part of the reason why Jeongyeon started growing her hair out. She'd admired Nayeon’s lovely hair for so long, after all. But most of the time, when Jeongyeon sees Nayeon in the shower, the water and dim lighting making her skin glow even more than usual and the warmth from the hot water surrounding them both, she dreams.

She wonders what it’d be like to press Nayeon against the wall of the shower in a hopefully seductive manner and make Nayeon’s heart pound with anticipation and excitement. Then she’d slowly kiss Nayeon, fondle her breasts until both of them were wet with their own cum and lastly, finger her nimbly until she orgasmed. And then...they would do it more in the future, but maybe in bed or other places instead. But Jeongyeon has always imagined the shower to be the first place. It’s a pretty simple daydream, not as elaborate as most of the fanfiction that had been written of her and Nayeon, and Jeongyeon finds it reassuring that this dream of hers is still a little more realistic than something like using a strap-on, which she certainly doesn’t own. Nor can she imagine finding time in between performances to even begin to eat Nayeon out, but the idea is still one that turns her on.

But still, Jeongyeon is well aware that it’s not right for her to make that kind of move on her friend without consent. It's definitely different from the fanservice that is almost always caught on camera and spread around on the internet amongst fans and the general public. Jeongyeon knows very well that fans think she and Nayeon are very compatible, and she’s made use of that a couple of times as excuses for skinship. The short clips that go viral and the accounts dedicated to the two of them are evidence that everyone thinks it’s all harmless stuff when it’s in public. Other than that, it’s just embarrassing for someone as inexperienced as her to be trying to do something she’d only read and dreamed about. She doesn’t even know for sure if she really wants to do all that with Nayeon or if she’s just horny in the shower (maybe both).

All these thoughts aside, she’s definitely never thought of stopping Nayeon from joining her in the shower. Occasionally, they would wash each other’s hair, and at times Nayeon would tap on her shoulder to remind Jeongyeon that they need to go to get out soon so others can use the shower if Jeongyeon starts spacing out. But what Jeongyeon finds interesting is that the normally talkative Nayeon hardly ever says anything when they’re in the shower together. It’s peaceful and Jeongyeon appreciates that.

While it used to be true that Jeongyeon’s mind would only be focused on envy of Nayeon’s body or the desire to touch every inch of her skin every time Nayeon joined her in the shower, there comes a time where the long, silent stares Jeongyeon gives Nayeon when she isn’t looking instead turn into short, soft sobs.

Backlash. All Jeongyeon had done was...be an idol. Not quite herself, but close enough. She’d done as she was told, put on whatever the stylists gave her and sang whichever songs management had told them to perform, went to all their scheduled events as expected and didn’t disobey the company in any way. And yet, those filthy netizens had thought it would be fun to pick on her for not showing as much skin as the others were. It hadn’t even been her decision to wear a few less-revealing outfits in a row. She’d hoped the widespread criticism she received would end when she asked management to stop promoting her as a tomboy-like idol, and it had. But now it seemed like the consequences of that had emerged.

\- Is she really a woman if she’s just going to dress that way?  
\- Why won’t she show more skin like the others? She doesn’t fit into the group!  
\- She should be proud of her body! Female idols ought to show off their bodies when they perform! Especially since their concepts are like that...  
\- Idols’ bodies are very important, it’s worthless if she doesn’t show hers at all!  
\- Is she dressed like that because she gained weight recently? She needs to eat less and work harder.  
\- To be honest I don't think her body looks that good anyway...maybe that’s why they’ve started hiding it more, but now it’s just bothersome and distracting.

Jeongyeon had taken the news calmly when she first heard about it one day. Criticism was normal. Those netizens always managed to find something to nag about, and since the group was so popular, it wasn’t rare for them to get called out on the smallest things. Their remarks weren’t completely terrible in this case anyway, though it was quite sad that some had a twisted perception of what idols should and should not be doing. Regardless, it was tiring knowing that this was going on. Jeongyeon tried her best to push it all to the back of her head. It was pointless arguing with the stylists who often started preparing many of their outfits months in advance.

However, as she was taking a shower the next day and Nayeon strolled in, which, by now, wasn’t something out of the ordinary, every look Jeongyeon took at Nayeon’s body and then down at her own reminded her of what the netizens had been saying. Nayeon was never afraid to flaunt her body, so she never received those kinds of negative comments from netizens. She was well-loved too, definitely one of the more popular members of the group, often being selected for solo photoshoots as well as getting more lines in songs. It was maddening that their appearances determined a large part of their fate as idols.

Unable to escape from these thoughts, tears began to trickle out of Jeongyeon’s eyes. Pain pricked at her heart. It was frustrating, wanting to be herself but at the same time wishing she could be more like someone else. Someone who others considered to be better. Obviously, Jeongyeon wasn’t the only idol who suffered from these kinds of troubles, but she couldn’t help but feel alone all the same.

Jeongyeon had hoped her tears would be washed away in the shower and the sounds of water flowing out would mask her sniffles, but Nayeon’s senses had always been sharp. It didn’t take long for her to notice that Jeongyeon was crying, and she quickly turned the shower off and wrapped her arms around Jeongyeon, never mind the fact that they were naked and still wet from taking a shower.

“Relax, relax. Don’t cry, get dressed first,” Nayeon murmured as she used her towel to dry them both as best as she could while still keeping one arm around Jeongyeon.

Her voice was soothing and it calmed Jeongyeon down slightly. Nodding in response to Nayeon’s words, she tugged her pyjamas on and followed Nayeon out of the bathroom and over to her room, afraid to look up in case other members were around. The lack of any extra arms finding their way to Jeongyeon told her that she had gotten lucky this time and only Nayeon had seen her tear streaked face, for now.

Momo wasn’t in the room, thankfully, but she could waltz back in any second. Noticing the unsure look on Jeongyeon’s face, Nayeon grabbed her phone and sent a text to Momo, asking Momo to leave them be for the night and sleep on Nayeon’s bed instead. Then she crawled onto Jeongyeon’s bed, pulling Jeongyeon into her arms again. “Let's lie down first, okay?”

They lay facing each other, with one of Nayeon’s hands on Jeongyeon’s waist and the other wiping away any stray tears that still creeped out of Jeongyeon’s eyes.

“Tell me why you're crying now,” Nayeon says. It was surprisingly scary whenever her tone turned serious, and Jeongyeon feels obligated to give a proper response. Nayeon’s hand moves to stroke Jeongyeon’s back.

“It's nothing much… I heard that I'm being criticised over not showing enough skin. But it wasn't even my choice to wear those jackets and long pants repeatedly… I'm sorry, I sound stupid when I put it into words and I know I was overreacting a little just now, but I couldn't stop thinking about it just now.” Jeongyeon curls up against Nayeon, avoiding eye contact.

“No, it’s alright, you don't sound stupid. We all feel like that at times. Not good enough, I mean.” Jeongyeon glances up in time to catch Nayeon flashing a sad smile. “It’ll be fine, don’t stress about it too much or it’ll seriously affect you in the long term. I've been called out on some minor things that got caught on camera too, and they weren’t even intentional. It happens. People will try and twist all the things you do and then accuse you of being a bad idol, but the good people, like our Onces and those who know us, will always know that those claims are false.”

“Yeah...I know...I guess it’s just that when I saw you in the shower, it kind of hit me how I wished I could be more like you. Mostly in terms of looks and physique but I wish I had your confidence too. I guess that has nothing to do with what others think.”

Nayeon flushes. “But I’m not as confident as you think. Really,” she protests. “I just do my best, and at times I feel insecure too. You know how my left leg is weak because of an accident I had long ago? Sometimes even thinking about that made me feel inferior. Especially as a dancer, I was afraid it would limit what I could do and I worried that if many people found out then they might think I’m less capable. And there were times where I hated my front teeth as well. I wished I could have teeth and legs like yours once in a while. I still remember how you once said you have the most confidence in those two parts of yourself. And it’s true that you have nice long legs and straight teeth. I just get the silliest concerns at times. So don’t feel so horrible about yourself, we all have our strong and weak points. I’m sure those netizens will find much better things to talk about soon. Don't dwell on their foolish words, they're not worth your precious time and energy.”

“You’re right...I can’t argue with that. I still think your body’s beautiful, though. There’s no way you can deny that.” Jeongyeon closes her eyes again after she says this, focusing on listening to Nayeon’s inhales and exhales and enjoying the feeling of Nayeon’s fingers carding through her still wet hair.

Nayeon chuckles. “Thanks. Don’t forget that our bodies aren’t the most important things about us though. No matter how much society makes it seem like your body determines how much you are worth as a person, that’s not true at all. Sorry for all the lecturing, but sometimes I worry that you all will confuse what is real and what isn’t and make mistakes that could have been avoided. That’s why I always try to make sure you all are on the right track, even if it’s in a subtle way. Ahh, I know I’ve already said a lot, I’ll stop for a bit. Let’s say...it’s a time to reflect, yeah.”

They lie there for a while with their eyes shut, Nayeon’s body heat engulfing Jeongyeon and both of them thinking about what they’d just discussed.

“You feel a lot better now, right?” Nayeon asks after a few minutes.

“Yeah. But you’ll still stay with me tonight, right?” Jeongyeon’s voice turns softer with every word, kind of embarrassed that she wants to stay in Nayeon’s embrace for the rest of the night.

“Well, I already told Momo to sleep on my bed anyway.” Nayeon grins at her reassuringly. “I also don’t want to leave the room, it’s warm here.” Jeongyeon can’t tell if she’s just talking about the room or if she’s also referring to the body heat Jeongyeon is radiating.

“Thank you,” Jeongyeon whispers.

“It’s nothing. We’re all here for each other, after all. You know...even when we split up and go our separate ways, I imagine that we’ll never leave our KakaoTalk group chat and never stop talking to one another. Our bond is so strong it’ll persevere no matter what challenges we face.” There’s a dreamy, far-away look on Nayeon’s face, and Jeongyeon feels her heart start to ache thinking about what she’d just said. There’s probably going to be many more years before they stop being the popular idol group called Twice, and Jeongyeon sometimes forgets that there will be an end to her life as an idol someday. One day, she'll probably go back to being someone a lot more ordinary rather than a celebrity. Things will quieten down around her, and it won't be so hectic.

“That’s right,” Jeongyeon affirms after a moment. “We’ll always be there for one another no matter when and where.”

“That's the spirit,” Nayeon says. She pulls Jeongyeon in closer and places her nose in Jeongyeon’s hair. “Let’s dry our hair and then sleep, yeah?”

They sit up, Jeongyeon grabs the hairdryer, and they take turns to dry their hair slowly. There’s a certain unexplainable warmth to doing these things with Nayeon. It’s mostly either herself or Momo drying her hair rather than Nayeon since she sleeps in a different room with other members. Maybe it’s a desire for domesticity with Nayeon, or maybe it’s once again Jeongyeon’s internal urge to end up making out with her. In any case, Jeongyeon takes what she can get, so she makes sure to burn this feeling into her mind, trying to savour it. Nayeon is gentle and careful with Jeongyeon’s hair, making sure not to keep directing the hairdryer at the same spot for too long and checking that there’s not a single strand of wet hair on Jeongyeon’s head.

When both of them have finished drying the other’s hair, they lie back on Jeongyeon’s bed, and Nayeon pulls Jeongyeon’s blanket over both of them.

“Your stomach is so warm,” Jeongyeon says, her hand flat on Nayeon’s belly, the old shirt having ridden up slightly.

“Shh...that’s my child you’re touching,” Nayeon jokes and they both laugh because that’s obviously not true.

A little north and her fingers would be able to graze Nayeon’s breasts, a little south and she would be touching the waistband of Nayeon’s shorts. Tempting as it is, it’s definitely not the right time to try something like either of those options. So instead, Jeongyeon’s hand goes west, landing on Nayeon’s bare hip. It’s comforting, being able to feel the skin of someone else who is just a few centimetres away.

Yet, it drives Jeongyeon mad, being held in Nayeon’s arms but not being able to do much about it. Nayeon is protective of all of them, she knows that. Jeongyeon wants to protect her too, but it’s like there’s a wall between them preventing her from reaching out. Nayeon is too independent. Or at least, she won’t talk to Jeongyeon about many of her own current problems. So to Jeongyeon, sometimes it still feels like they're worlds apart.

Hearing Nayeon’s breathing even out, indicating she’s fallen asleep, Jeongyeon moves her free right hand to cup Nayeon’s cheek for a few seconds, before she lets go to hold Nayeon’s left hand instead. She won’t stop freaking out inside every time Nayeon mumbles a word or two in her sleep or suddenly shifts slightly. She won't get anything out of trying to analyse Nayeon’s actions, especially since she's asleep and therefore not quite in control of her actions.

It doesn't matter if she never gets to kiss Nayeon or touch her in all those places, Jeongyeon decides as she continues to watch the other woman sleep comfortably. Wondering whether they’ll still be holding hands when they wake up, Jeongyeon slowly succeeds in quietening her mind to a state calm enough for her to fall asleep too.

When she does open her eyes again in the morning, she finds that although they are technically still holding hands, now it's her left hand that's tightly laced with Nayeon’s right one. Very suspicious. And now Nayeon’s left hand is curled up into a fist. On Jeongyeon’s breast. Under Jeongyeon’s shirt. Jeongyeon would shriek and roll away, but Nayeon isn't awake and Jeongyeon doesn’t want to accidentally wake her up. And as Jeongyeon lies very still, unwilling to move despite being dehydrated, she realises that technically the hand is right above her heart. If Nayeon had really woken up while Jeongyeon had been sleeping and orchestrated this set-up, then maybe she had actually meant to place her hand over Jeongyeon’s heart as a form of symbolism. It probably wasn't there to tease Jeongyeon. Either way, it's got Jeongyeon’s heart racing.

Thinking about sleeping next to Nayeon feels like another kind of torture. So close yet so far. She loves it, but at the same time she doesn't. Jeongyeon wonders when she'll ever get another chance to fall asleep holding Nayeon’s hand without a single worry about what's going to happen the next day. Maybe never. And that's what makes Jeongyeon feel like maybe she shouldn't have allowed this to happen, because now she's only going to want more, but this might just be the best situation already. Once again, she's overthinking about the smallest of things.

“In this for the long run,” Nayeon suddenly mutters, clearly still asleep. She could have been talking to anyone in her dream, but in her heart, Jeongyeon knows those words were meant for her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Constructive criticism and any comments in general are more than welcome!
> 
> Here are the squares of my BBB Fest bingo card that this fic fits if you're curious:  
> \- do I want to be her or sleep with her?  
> Jeongyeon is envious of Nayeon's body and looks and at the same time has erotic thoughts involving her, this struggle is especially highlighted whenever Jeongyeon sees Nayeon naked in the shower but can also be seen through the mention of Jeongyeon growing her hair out because of Nayeon and Nayeon also revealing that she envied Jeongyeon's legs and teeth, though these play into the first part more than the second.  
> \- bedsharing as self-harm  
> Sharing a bed with Nayeon feels amazing but Jeongyeon knows she can't have this every night and there's also the fact that their relationship is just a platonic one and nothing more, which is why it's also painful for her to indulge in this little pleasure.  
> \- body is your worth  
> While Jeongyeon and Nayeon both don't believe this to be true, the netizens' words kind of imply this and try to force it upon them with the demand that they show off their bodies.  
> \- every unthinking expression or gesture recorded and overanalysed  
> Fans are always recording what's going on at schedules and a lot of what they record goes viral for many to see, so this applies to both the 2yeon content that the shippers gush over as well as some small actions that got Nayeon criticised some time before the events of this fic (as far as I know, this hasn't happened to her, but I took inspiration from news about other idols).
> 
> Twitter: [hchaes](https://twitter.com/hchaes)  
> CuriousCat: [hchaes](https://curiouscat.me/hchaes)


End file.
